In my last two posts, I’ve quoted Brett Westervelt on the lost art of conversation. It’s from an article in the book, The Kingdom of Couches.
We are afraid of what people might think if they knew what we actually thought. We fear looking stupid. I’m fine if the conversation stays on impersonal topics like sports or the weather or how that guy’s outfit does little to compliment his body type. I tend to speak my mind about those kinds of things, because there’s not a whole lot hinging on my opinion. Wait, you think it’s unseasonably warm this fall? That’s ridiculous. Our friendship is over.
It’s when things get personal that I begin to keep my actual thoughts private. It’s not that I really want to be dishonest. The pretense is draining. It’s just that honesty is risky, and it’s rarely politically correct. It’s easier to lie or to just keep things impersonal.
What I sacrifice along the way is meaningful relationship. I could term all light-hearted conversation “shallow,” labeling small talk as the enemy here, but it’s not. “Small talk” is a lot of fun, and it’s the normal person’s way to transition into more serious matters. It’s my attempt at acceptance– to please or appease those around me– that sends my conversations awry.
We need people to both know us and love us, but the grace they will need to deal with our faults will also only come from God. They will be able to forgive, but only because in Christ God has forgiven them much. The Gospel provides a fertile ground for community and for the kinds of conversations that community tends to be grounded in. It’s tragic that this is often the opposite of our experience. — Brett Westervelt
Now, the following is Will Walker, who comments on Westervelt’s article:
As with confession, honest conversation is not simply voicing everything we think. Spewing our honest thoughts whenever we have them is selfishness to the highest degree. I find it helpful to distinguish between selfish honesty and selfless honesty. Is your honesty for the purpose of consuming or for the purpose of contributing? Selfish honesty is characterized by a sense of needing to say something so you can feel better about yourself, whether it’s gossip, insult, or boasting. Even confession can be selfish when it’s just about getting it off your chest. Selfless honesty, on the other hand, is characterized by a sense of wanting to say something that would benefit others– encouragement, admonishment, teaching, personal disclosure for the sake of intimacy, or confession for the sake of restoration.
In my estimation, the most important aspect of honest conversation is facing the truth about our lives, inviting others into that process, and then humbly disclosing what we discover. We talk as a means of being known as we are, not being known as impressive as we want people to think we are. And as our words do turn to other people, we need to think more about honesty in terms of encouraging one another and telling people the truth about how we see God in them. This is woefully lacking in our communities. If we told people the truth in the positive sense, telling them the truth in the negative sense would not be as difficult.
Knowing what to say, how to say it, and when to say it requires discernment, and discernment is not a formula but a process of trial and error. Deciding to be honest is not a one-time purge but a way of life that is navigated through the waters of success and failure over time. Gospel-centered community is hard work. And perhaps the hardest work is that of transforming our conversations. They have become a stage for self-importance, and we have many habits from performing all these years. But we must start by telling people about the real us and taking interest in the real them as well.
