#2
“The smallest dreams got pushed aside
for the largest ones that changed my life”
From the song, Rite of Spring
On the album, I-Empire
So it seems this whole lyric countdown is taking longer than expected. Life is busy, better late than never! I was pleased to buy this for $11.99 at Future Shop last year. I do like Angels & Airwaves’ first album better overall, but this one still gets decent rotation on my playlist.
When i think about this lyric, i can’t help but pit my itty bitty self-will with the greater dreams that God would have for my life. There is a pivotal and constant battle between my fears and doubts on one side and fully plunging myself into Hi(s)Story on the other side. “Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life”– understanding this overshadows all of my expectations and short-lived disappointments.
I’ve only been angry with God one time in my life. Which i think is kind of ironic because there’s been other more serious crap junk in my past that would, by the human perspective more deservingly “warrant” my fist against God. (I don’t believe that though).
My third year of university was supposed to be spent studying at UCLA. When i graduated from high school into university, one of the reasons why i chose to go to UBC was because i knew they had an exchange program that partnered with UCLA. That was my goal. And honestly, at that time in my life, studying at UCLA even if only for a year was the only thing i ever truly wanted with 100% intention and ambition.
So in my second year at UBC, i filled out all the Exchange application forms, wrote a couple essays, got references here and there, researched my potential schools, met all the deadlines, paid the fees, earned all the necessary grades, danced in a few circles, and I was a go.
You’re supposed to apply with your top 3 choice schools. But I went into this only wanting one school. It was pretty much UCLA or BUST for me. While lots of people would opt to travel overseas to Europe, Asia, Australia, etc, i just wanted to head back to Southern California where i grew up. That was exotic enough for me. I wanted to go back, i wanted to see old friends, i wanted to experience everything i thought i was missing.
When i went in for the general orientation about the exchange program, they said that one of the hardest schools to get into were the University of California (UC) campuses. And out of the 12 UC schools all across the state, UCLA and UC Berkeley were the most competitive. “So don’t get your hopes up” was what they were saying.
But i did it. I got into the UBC Exchange Program, a few weeks later into the UC system, and then finally acceptance by my top choice. I still have the snail mail letter from UCLA.. its fancy letterhead paper officiating it all. I was looking forward to that year of Exchange probably more than anything in my life up to that point. I was prepping to go, looking into housing, making a budget, browsing potential classes, telling friends.
And then as life would have it, something came up. Things i couldn’t control prevented me from going. I hated it. I thought in endless circles about how i could get around the problem. I even entertained outrageous, stupid and selfish ideas to get me there. Yet in my heart of hearts, i knew i couldn’t leave Vancouver for that long at the time. But that didn’t stop me from being mad. Really mad. And at God. Yeah, i was being a whiny kid but it really did crush me to have to give this up. It’s hard to explain all the reasons why it meant so much to me. It was the biggest dream i could have dreamt at the time. UCLA was on my radar ever since i was in elementary school. But moving out of state kind of eliminated the $25,000/ year education option. But having this opportunity with Exchange, to get that for just 1 year at a $4,000 tuition price tag– what a friggin’ steal!
I eventually got over it. Learned how to surrender once again. Learned a new lesson about trusting God. In hindsight, it really was a small dream. Especially in comparison to my desires today, i kind of feel embarrassed about my devastated reaction. Yet at the same time, i know it was real. It was a big blow. But i’ve grown a lot since then, thus making it a much smaller issue when i think about it today.
For the most part, i’ve given up the constant wonder of “what could have been” that i held onto for so long. Not just in that one potentially great year, but i had held onto that question even years before the whole Exchange fiasco. What would my life have been like if i had stayed in LA? My friends would be different, my education would be different, my experience and all of the above, different. Maybe.
But i trust in God’s sovereignty over my life. I’m really glad for where i am today. Where God has led me, not just geographically but in how he is indeed shaping me for Hi(s)Story. Smaller dreams getting pushed aside. Larger ones are changing my life. And i’m grateful.
There is a greater narrative that exists outside of my own subjective experience and existence. I’m thankful that this is true because if it was not, i would be found lacking. I think we all would. The fact that my finite being is being reconciled into an infinite Story gives me immense assurance.
